I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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