My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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