I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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