Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
