Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize
