i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
