you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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