I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
