I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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