Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Randomize
