God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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