The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
