Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
