I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
