This dress was meant to end up on your floor
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
