just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
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