I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
