I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
What drink are we having for lunch?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
