my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Randomize
