it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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