I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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