"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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