I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
