trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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