I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
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