I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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