I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
