4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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