Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
kristin has been a bad kristin
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
