There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Randomize
