Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
