You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
