i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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