my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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