i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
