Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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