I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
