no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
