i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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