Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
