Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
