well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
