My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
