i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
