The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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