On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
