and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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