There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
