I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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