omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
